It is the anniversary of my initial posting of He Cheated, Now What?
This is the most commented on post I have written so far, so I have decided to re-blog it. This subject matter may be of interest to everyone at some point in their life, even if just to advise someone on how to handle infidelity when they are going through it.
When you have been cheated on, the first thing you have to do is decide if the relationship is worth saving. Both of you must really want to work at gaining trust and healing from the pain and disappointment of the betrayal that goes along with the infidelity.
Communication is needed to understand what caused the infidelity in the first place. This is crucial in hopes of preventing it from happening again. Couples counseling could help with an unbiased third-party. He has to earn your trust again. Trust is very hard to gain, once it has been lost.
Don’t obsess over information about the other woman. It was your man who betrayed your trust, the other woman doesn’t have any loyalty to you. You need to know if it was a one-time affair or a lengthy affair. A slip up is easier to forgive. If it was with an ex, that could mean there are still underlying feelings between them. That would pose a problem in trying to salvage the relationship. If he has cheated on you before or he has a pattern of cheating in all of his past relationships, he most likely will cheat on you again.
Fighting is normal in a relationship. You have two distinct personalities which will not always agree or get along. Compromise is key to handling problems without destroying your relationship. Make-up sex allows a couple to bond by closing the distance caused by fighting. The energy and adrenaline it takes to fight, can actually lead to arousal. You can’t stay angry with your man if he just made sweet love to you. Make-up sex is exciting, but it doesn’t resolve any underlying issues between couples. It’s just a temporary fix.
In relationships where couples never fight, one of them are holding back their true feelings in order to please the other person. That person would rather keep quiet to keep the peace in order to avoid conflict altogether. Somewhere down the line, resentment will build up. This is not a healthy relationship. Both parties must be able to communicate to resolve problems in their relationship. When there are domestic abuse issues, it’s time to get out of the relationship and seek protection.
Couples will have misunderstandings, but as long as you can argue in a respectful manner and are able to let the power struggle end, and you can meet somewhere in the middle, fighting is a normal part of a relationship. Tackle the problem, not the person. There’s no better way to say you’re sorry, than make-up sex. LOL
When you’re in a relationship with a man who has a child, sometimes you can be subjected to “baby mama” drama. If your relationship is new, you should avoid spending time with your man when he has his child present. Here are a few tips on how to handle the drama if you’re in a serious, committed relationship or marriage:
Stay out of it and let the baby daddy handle all of the drama.
Be careful not to trash talk the baby mama in front of the child.
Follow the routine the parents set for the child, and don’t change anything.
All decisions regarding the child should be made by the parents only.
Remember a child’s loyalty will always be to their parents, not you.
If a baby mama still has feelings for her ex and she hasn’t moved on, she may have a problem accepting another woman being apart of her ex’s life as well as her child’s life. Usually it’s jealousy that will cause the drama between all of you. The child is often used as a pawn to get back at the other parent, but in reality it’s the child that suffers the most.
If you decide to stay in the relationship and deal with the baby mama drama, just know that it won’t be easy but if your love is strong, your relationship will survive. Remember, the motive of the baby mama may just be to ruin your relationship with her ex. Remain supportive and united and don’t let her know she is getting under your skin, or she will push harder. Try to get along with her if possible because she will be part of your lives for many years to come. Usually once she sees you aren’t going anywhere, she will often end the drama and accept that the three of you must coexist for the sake of the child.
Being too available for a man is a big mistake that many women make early on in their relationship. It can lead to being taken for granted and you may become his back-up plan. Some men will see a woman who waits for his call and is always available as being needy or desperate. It’s not an attractive trait to a man. It’s best not to always respond immediately to his text messages or phone calls. You may appear to be waiting with the phone in your lap.
Having your own friends and interests and having an active life aside from a man will make you more interesting, less predictable and will keep his attention. Don’t put your plans with friends on hold, hoping to hear from a man. Never cancel your plans for a man who calls at the last-minute. Pretend to be busy, even if you aren’t. (LOL) It’s best to let a man know he has to confirm plans with you in advance, or you may not be available. After all, you do have a life!
Every once in a while you meet a man whom you are physically attracted to and instantly connect with, but he doesn’t quite meet all of your criteria. Instead of dismissing him stop and ask yourself, does he have potential?
Some men need a strong woman to support and encourage them. He may be the laid back type and appear to be less ambitious, but he may need a push.
You’ve heard the saying, “Behind every great man is a strong woman.” It may take some men longer to mature or to settle on a career path, but that doesn’t mean he won’t get his act together, if that’s what he has to do to be with a woman who places that expectation upon him.
As long as the pros, out-weigh the cons and there’s chemistry and compatibility the rest can fall into place. There’s not a perfect man or woman out there, but there may be one that is perfect for you if you give it a chance to develop into its full potential.
A person who cheats can change if they really want to change and feel the need to change. If someone loses or almost loses the love of their life, this could be the wake up call to make them realize the significance of their actions. Without serious consequences for their betrayal, a cheater will most likely continue to cheat throughout the relationship. When someone cheats and knows that it will be forgiven just by saying that they’re sorry and that you won’t leave them, they will feel that they have nothing to lose if they get caught again. If the cheater has remorse and guilt they are more likely to be able to remain faithful in the future.
Couples counseling could help the couple to get to the bottom of why the affair happened in the first place, and help them learn to communicate their needs with one another and to be able to work through problems in the relationship. Being vulnerable and unhappy in a relationship can lead to infidelity.
The betrayal is always in the back of the mind of the person who has been cheated on, and the insecurity and fear that it will happen again. They may think you are cheating again, even if you aren’t. That’s why rebuilding trust is so crucial to getting past the affair. If the person cheats a second time, this may be a sign of an habitual cheater. At this point, it may be time to consider ending the relationship. If they have cheated in all of their past relationships, they probably won’t take monogamy seriously with you either.
Once a cheater, always a cheater doesn’t have to be their fate. Some couples come out of an affair, more committed to each other than they were before the affair. Of course, there are no guarantees in love and lust!
Whether a woman is single, in a relationship or a marriage, she should always keep herself up (her hair, body, fashion, make up). Her man will continue to see his bae as the sexy woman he fell in love with. He will also notice other men are eyeing her too.
There is nothing worse than breaking up and having to work so hard at losing weight, getting your sexy back and building your confidence again in order to get yourself back on the dating scene.
Women who slay can rebound much faster and their confidence remains intact after a breakup. Keeping yourself put together at all times is attractive to men. They see a woman who is confident and loves herself. Putting your man and your children first and neglecting yourself, is a sure way to get your man to lose interest and desire for you. Women who get stuck into the wifey and baby mama or superwoman mode, may inadvertently cause their men to stray. These women are often taken for granted and are no longer being romanced by their men.
When you keep yourself market ready, your man will want to do date night to take you out and show you off. What man doesn’t desire some good arm candy? She keeps his lust for her alive. Every woman should want to be the best version of herself. It’s easier to keep up the glam when she is doing it for herself, and not just for a man.