It is the anniversary of my initial posting of He Cheated, Now What?
This is the most commented on post I have written so far, so I have decided to re-blog it. This subject matter may be of interest to everyone at some point in their life, even if just to advise someone on how to handle infidelity when they are going through it.
When you have been cheated on, the first thing you have to do is decide if the relationship is worth saving. Both of you must really want to work at gaining trust and healing from the pain and disappointment of the betrayal that goes along with the infidelity.
Communication is needed to understand what caused the infidelity in the first place. This is crucial in hopes of preventing it from happening again. Couples counseling could help with an unbiased third-party. He has to earn your trust again. Trust is very hard to gain, once it has been lost.
Don’t obsess over information about the other woman. It was your man who betrayed your trust, the other woman doesn’t have any loyalty to you. You need to know if it was a one-time affair or a lengthy affair. A slip up is easier to forgive. If it was with an ex, that could mean there are still underlying feelings between them. That would pose a problem in trying to salvage the relationship. If he has cheated on you before or he has a pattern of cheating in all of his past relationships, he most likely will cheat on you again.
A person who cheats can change if they really want to change and feel the need to change. If someone loses or almost loses the love of their life, this could be the wake up call to make them realize the significance of their actions. Without serious consequences for their betrayal, a cheater will most likely continue to cheat throughout the relationship. When someone cheats and knows that it will be forgiven just by saying that they’re sorry and that you won’t leave them, they will feel that they have nothing to lose if they get caught again. If the cheater has remorse and guilt they are more likely to be able to remain faithful in the future.
Couples counseling could help the couple to get to the bottom of why the affair happened in the first place, and help them learn to communicate their needs with one another and to be able to work through problems in the relationship. Being vulnerable and unhappy in a relationship can lead to infidelity.
The betrayal is always in the back of the mind of the person who has been cheated on, and the insecurity and fear that it will happen again. They may think you are cheating again, even if you aren’t. That’s why rebuilding trust is so crucial to getting past the affair. If the person cheats a second time, this may be a sign of an habitual cheater. At this point, it may be time to consider ending the relationship. If they have cheated in all of their past relationships, they probably won’t take monogamy seriously with you either.
Once a cheater, always a cheater doesn’t have to be their fate. Some couples come out of an affair, more committed to each other than they were before the affair. Of course, there are no guarantees in love and lust!
Although your loyalty is always with your girlfriend, you are putting your friendship at risk when you tell your girlfriend that her man is cheating on her. When it is her husband that’s cheating, it could turn her life upside down especially if they have children. It would be less risky, if he is just a boyfriend.
Most women have a suspicion when their man is cheating. Women are intuitive. Men are so careless and they’re creatures of habit. When a man’s regular habits/routines change drastically this is a red flag that most women pick up on right away. Cheating is the first thing that we suspect.
When a husband is cheating on his wife, most wives already know and choose to stay with their husbands. Many wives choose to remain in denial because they don’t want to leave him or confront him. They want to hold on to the fairy tale that they are happy and have the perfect marriage. By remaining in denial, their man will continue to practice some level of discretion and show some respect in hopes of her not finding out. Once a man knows that you are aware of his infidelity, and you choose to stay with him, at this point he will continue to cheat on you throughout your relationship. He will no longer have the fear of losing you, so he becomes less discreet and more disrespectful. Women must realize when you confront someone about their infidelity you must be prepared to take some kind of action to let them know you will not tolerate cheating, or you’re better off pretending not to know.
Putting all of your personal business out there is not good for any relationship. Some information should be kept private between you and your man and shouldn’t even be shared with your girlfriends. Have you noticed that couples on Reality TV have a greater risk of breaking up or divorcing?
Too many couples spend so much of their time on social media rather than spending quality time with each other. Social media are often used for cheating purposes, connecting with random men or women or reconnecting with former lovers. Social media can cause temptation, which could lead to infidelity. Excessive time spent on social media sites can cause jealousy, insecurity, create distance, trust issues and conflict in a relationship. Connecting in a flirtatious way, by liking sexy photos of the opposite sex can be a sign of trouble. Social media can become addictive just like pornography can become to some people.
You should never assume your Relationship Status without first discussing it with the other person as to where you are, and to make sure you are on the same page as far as your relationship status is concerned. If you’re in a relationship and your man or woman refuses to change his/his status on Facebook or refuses to post photos with you together, it’s likely they are purposely excluding you to hide that they are in a relationship. This is definitely a red flag that you shouldn’t ignore.
Constantly being distracting with our cellphones has also become more engaging than communicating with each other. Have you ever noticed while dining in a restaurant, couples are on their phones and not talking to one another? Couples fight over sharing passwords and pass codes all of the time. This will certainly cause trust issues in a relationship.
While you’re connecting with others and feeling the pressure to increase the number of friends and followers you have on social media, be careful not to allow social media to cause you to disconnect from the person who should mean the most to you. In other words, don’t let social media take over your life!
When you’re in a relationship and you develop a pattern of breaking up just to get back together again, after a while you won’t be taken seriously. It’s like using a break up as a tool to get what you want. Have you ever heard the saying “The boy who cried wolf?” That’s what constantly breaking up and then making up is like. This tactic won’t continue to work after two or three times. It’s like you’re bluffing to get his attention.
If you have compatibility issues, then you may have to move on because you can’t make someone be the person you want them to be, unless they truly want to change. If you are spoiled and always want to have your way, you should learn to compromise and develop better communication skills as it could be key to resolving many problems in the relationship.
Relationships aren’t always easy. You have two individual personalities and attitudes to deal with. There will have to be some give and take on both sides. If your love is strong enough the relationship will survive. When you are in a relationship that is worth saving, you should try to stay together and figure things out. A relationship with constant ups and downs, like a roller coaster ride, could be a sign that you’re in a toxic relationship. Hopefully, that’s not the case.
Sometimes it takes a break up for couples to miss one another and realize how much they really care. Besides, it could be sweeter the second time around.
In order to be able to be in a relationship, break up and remain friends, you must have a strong friendship from the start. It’s possible but not likely to lose your man, but keep your friend. Sometimes that happens when a friendship is taken to the next level, but doesn’t work out romantically.
If a break up is a mutual decision it’s possible you could still be friends. The key to remaining friends is to realize early on when the relationship isn’t working out and end it civilly before it gets nasty and bitterness sets in. Both parties must want to salvage the friendship. It’s easier when it’s someone you have been dating for a short period of time. When neither of you have invested that much time and energy into the relationship, you could simply say that you enjoy hanging out with them, but you don’t feel there’s chemistry between you. When only one person wants out of the relationship, then the other person may be offended by suggesting they be placed in the “friend zone.”
Being friends after ending a relationship usually won’t happen immediately if you have been in a relationship for a while. It will take some time apart to get over the hurt and to forgive them and move on. There would have to be maturity on both sides and they would both have to no longer have romantic feelings towards each other in order for a friendship to actually work. This is not the usual situation in a break up. Sometimes one of them still want to be together.
After a divorce or the end of a long-term relationship, you need to take time to reflect upon the demise of the relationship and to heal so that you don’t carry baggage from your past into your new relationship. Don’t rush to get back out there. Start dating when you’re ready. You need time to gain your confidence and to get your swag back. Screen your dates for compatibility and chemistry.
When in a marriage for many years, you may fear getting back into the dating game. The dating scene has changed so much over the last 10 years. Online dating is the best and most popular way to jump right in and casually date to get yourself comfortable with being single again, but take it slow and be careful to meet in public places and don’t reveal too much personal information about yourself. Never go to a bar or happy hour alone. It has desperate, lonely or pick me up, written all over your forehead!
Whether it’s the man or the woman, communication is the first thing to go downhill in a relationship that’s in trouble. Intimacy is often affected as well. The lack of interest in lovemaking is a sure sign that there’s trouble in paradise. Sex may become routine, but no longer passionate or romantic. If the couple isn’t married or living together, one of them will start to spend less time with the other. A man will detach himself emotionally as well as physically when he wants out of the relationship.
A man will no longer have concern about your feelings or your interests. He will alter his regular routine with you. The things he used to do with you, or for you, he will no longer do. Men will try to put space between the two of you, when he’s contemplating ending the relationship. Men don’t like talking about how they feel so they’ll usually remain distant. Most men will give obvious signals that he is losing his feeling for you. He will hope that you get the message.
In a new relationship some men will lie about their intentions, as to whether they really want to be in a monogamous relationship. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear. A man will take the chance at lying in order to continue seeing a woman he’s interested in at the time, knowing at some point she may find out his real intention. He will hope that by the time she finds out the truth, she will be hooked on him and will not want to walk away from the relationship.
Men will also lie about their relationship status. He may have a girlfriend, a booty call or a friend with benefits that he’s holding on to. Men tend to lie about the reasons their past relationship ended as well. Often they’ll say their girlfriend cheated on them, when they were the one who cheated. They will feel you will have sympathy for them and think they are a nice guy.
A little jealousy in a relationship is harmless. As long as it doesn’t cause you to feel uncomfortable. Being jealous is a sign of insecurity.
There is harmless jealousy and potentially dangerous jealousy. Harmless jealousy can just be, being protective or not wanting to share your love’s time and attention with others. It can be flattering, knowing someone loves you and is feeling insecure. If there aren’t any threats or accusations, then it is probably nothing to worry about. If they trust you, that’s a good indication whether the jealousy is harmless or dangerous.
Being suspicious and accusing someone of cheating will cause a major problem in any relationship. Sometimes it will cause the person being accused to cheat. Being jealous can be a sign of a possessive individual.