Couples Counseling

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Men: What You See, is What You Get

 

Most men are true to who they are, even early on in a relationship.  Many women will overlook or accept a man’s annoying behavior hoping to change him to make him into her fantasy.  The fact is, you can’t change a man unless he is willing to change, so stop trying!  He may attempt to change for you, but it won’t last.

Women often try to mold a man to become who she wants him to be.  Men will resent that they aren’t good enough as they are.  A man’s ego can become bruised.  He may feel insecure or feel emasculated.  This will definitely destroy a relationship or cause him to cheat.  You can’t raise or train a grown man.  Sometimes a man will see you as trying to control him.  He will remain resistant and may also feel that you don’t really love him.  Some other woman will gladly accept him as he is.

Some of the most difficult changes for anyone to make immediately are overcoming:

  • Addiction
  • Immaturity
  • Workaholic
  • Womanizer
  • Abusive behavior
  • Commitment phobia

Everyone has some flaws, bad habits or quirky traits that can be annoying, but are they worth accepting or are they a deal breaker? Ultimately, that is the question you have to ask yourself.

A few things to keep in mind . . .

Your love isn’t enough to change him.

You’re fighting a losing battle.

It has to be a man’s own decision to change.

Accept a man at face value.

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Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

once a cheater - always a cheater

 

A person who cheats can change if they really want to change and feel the need to change.  If someone loses or almost loses the love of their life, this could be the wake up call to make them realize the significance of their actions.  Without serious consequences for their betrayal, a cheater will most likely continue to cheat throughout the relationship.  When someone cheats and knows that it will be forgiven just by saying that they’re sorry and that you won’t leave them, they will feel that they have nothing to lose if they get caught again.  If the cheater has remorse and guilt they are more likely to be able to remain faithful in the future.

Couples counseling could help the couple to get to the bottom of why the affair happened in the first place, and help them learn to communicate their needs with one another and to be able to work through problems in the relationship.  Being vulnerable and unhappy in a relationship can lead to infidelity.

The betrayal is always in the back of the mind of the person who has been cheated on, and the insecurity and fear that it will happen again.  They may think you are cheating again, even if you aren’t.   That’s why rebuilding trust is so crucial to getting past the affair.   If the person cheats a second time, this may be a sign of an habitual cheater.  At this point, it may be time to consider ending the relationship.  If they have cheated in all of their past relationships, they probably won’t take monogamy seriously with you either.

Once a cheater, always a cheater doesn’t have to be their fate.  Some couples come out of an affair, more committed to each other than they were before the affair.  Of course, there are no guarantees in love and lust!

 

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Should You Tell Your Girlfriend Her Man is Cheating on Her?

 

 

Although your loyalty is always with your girlfriend, you are putting your friendship at risk when you tell your girlfriend that her man is cheating on her.  When it is her husband that’s cheating, it could turn her life upside down especially if they have children.  It would be less risky, if he is just a boyfriend.

Most women have a suspicion when their man is cheating.  Women are intuitive.  Men are so careless and they’re creatures of habit.  When a man’s regular habits/routines change drastically this is a red flag that most women pick up on right away.  Cheating is the first thing that we suspect.

When a husband is cheating on his wife, most wives already know and choose to stay with their husbands.  Many wives choose to remain in denial because they don’t want to leave him or confront him.  They want to hold on to the fairy tale that they are happy and have the perfect marriage.  By remaining in denial, their man will continue to practice some level of discretion and show some respect in hopes of her not finding out.  Once a man knows that you are aware of his infidelity, and you choose to stay with him, at this point he will continue to cheat on you throughout your relationship.  He will no longer have the fear of losing you, so he becomes less discreet and more disrespectful.  Women must realize when you confront someone about their infidelity you must be prepared to take some kind of action to let them know you will not tolerate cheating, or you’re better off pretending not to know.

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Break Up, Just to Make Up

When you’re in a relationship and you develop a pattern of breaking up just to get back together again, after a while you won’t be taken seriously.  It’s like using a break up as a tool to get what you want.  Have you ever heard the saying “The boy who cried wolf?”  That’s what constantly breaking up and then making up is like.  This tactic won’t continue to work after two or three times.  It’s like you’re bluffing to get his attention.

If you have compatibility issues, then you may have to move on because you can’t make someone be the person you want them to be, unless they truly want to change.  If you are spoiled and always want to have your way, you should learn to compromise and develop better communication skills as it could be key to resolving many problems in the relationship.

Relationships aren’t always easy.  You have two individual personalities and attitudes to deal with.  There will have to be some give and take on both sides.  If your love is strong enough the relationship will survive.  When you are in a relationship that is worth saving, you should try to stay together and figure things out.  A relationship with constant ups and downs, like a roller coaster ride, could be a sign that you’re in a toxic relationship.  Hopefully, that’s not the case.

Sometimes it takes a break up for couples to miss one another and realize how much they really care.   Besides, it could be sweeter the second time around.

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Surviving a Breakup

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When we are in a relationship for a long period of time we can become comfortable and complacent.  We may stay in the relationship even though we aren’t happy.  Having to start over and the fear of the unknown, also keeps couples together when things aren’t working out between them.

Men and women often dread being alone or having a single status again. Cheating is an option some people will take when they want to hold onto who they are with while they look for their replacement.  Some would rather cheat on their partner, than to get rid of them.  Thinking a man will change is also a big mistake women tend to make.  Wasting time in a relationship that’s going nowhere isn’t worth it.

Some people feel a sense of loss or failure when a relationship ends, even when they weren’t compatible.  Sometimes, it’s just the stigma society places on being coupled, or an emotional attachment to someone who is emotionally detached from you.

Getting back into the dating scene and taking it slowly is the best way to heal and to take your mind off the hurt.  There’s something to be learned from each relationship.  Now that you are free, take the time out for yourself.  Hang out where there are plenty of men, since you are single and ready to mingle.  Remember, someone better is out there waiting for you.

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You Got Him, Now Keep Him

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Sometimes women will become comfortable in their relationship and will slack up on keeping up their sex appeal.  She may stop exercising and begin gaining extra weight or she may stop dressing the way she did when she first met her man.  When women become wives and mothers, they tend to get so wrapped up into “mommy mode and/or wifey mode” and she may forget to remain the woman her man fell in love with.  Men’s biggest complaint has always been women gaining excess weight after they marry them.

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Signs There’s Trouble in Paradise

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Whether it’s the man or the woman, communication is the first thing to go downhill in a relationship that’s in trouble.  Intimacy is often affected as well.  The lack of interest in lovemaking is a sure sign that there’s trouble in paradise.  Sex may become routine, but no longer passionate or romantic.  If the couple isn’t married or living together, one of them will start to spend less time with the other.  A man will detach himself emotionally as well as physically when he wants out of the relationship.

A man will no longer have concern about your feelings or your interests.  He will alter his regular routine with you.  The things he used to do with you, or for you, he will no longer do.  Men will try to put space between the two of you, when he’s contemplating ending the relationship.  Men don’t like talking about how they feel so they’ll usually remain distant.  Most men will give obvious signals that he is losing his feeling for you.  He will hope that you get the message.

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The Lies Men Tell

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In a new relationship some men will lie about their intentions, as to whether they really want to be in a monogamous relationship.  They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear.  A man will take the chance at lying in order to continue seeing a woman he’s interested in at the time, knowing at some point she may find out his real intention.  He will hope that by the time she finds out the truth, she will be hooked on him and will not want to walk away from the relationship.

Men will also lie about their relationship status.  He may have a girlfriend, a booty call or a friend with benefits that he’s holding on to.  Men tend to lie about the reasons their past relationship ended as well.  Often they’ll say their girlfriend cheated on them, when they were the one who cheated.  They will feel you will have sympathy for them and think they are a nice guy.

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Leave Your Baggage Behind

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Just about everyone has some emotional baggage, but too much can ruin any relationship.  People sometimes sabotage their new relationships because of the baggage they carry with them into the new relationship.  If you had prior trust or jealousy issues stemming from an ex boyfriend who cheated on you, or have abandonment issues from your childhood or any other past hurts, you must try to overcome your emotional insecurities so they don’t continue to follow you into future relationships.  It’s not fair to a new love to have to suffer through your insecurities, that they didn’t cause.

It’s best to take time for yourself after a breakup and not rush into a rebound relationship.  You need that time to heal and lose your baggage from past painful events.  You need to be emotionally healthy in order to give a new relationship a chance at working.  It’s not fair for someone else to have to pay for the emotional scars from your past.  The types of emotional baggage that can threaten a relationship are from; childhood trauma from dysfunctional parents or neglect or abuse, or from past lovers, especially if you aren’t emotionally detached from them.  These types of baggage can affect a new relationship in a very negative way.

Perhaps the solution is to learn how to effectively manage your baggage in a healthy way, or better yet, if you are able to lose it all together.  If all else fails, try to limit the amount of baggage that you carry around.  I’m not a therapist, but maybe being able to forgive, would also help a person to let go.  You must try to bury past hurts in order to move forward to a positive outcome in the future.

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Foreplay = The “Big O”

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Foreplay starts long before you get to the bedroom.  It can begin in the kitchen, while cooking with just grabbing her butt or his.  Whispering dirty talk to each other during the day or sexting while at work or buying her flowers are also methods of foreplay.   Getting your man or woman aroused and anticipating intimacy long before it happens, can be a good build-up to the finale.

Being romantic;  kissing, touching and even dancing can be very sensual and arousing for both the man and the woman.  Foreplay is the appetizer before the main course.  It gets all the juices flowing.  The most time should be spent on awakening the senses (arousal).  Taking the time to explore your lover’s body from head to toe will definitely pay off to reaching the “Big O”.   It’s the same principle as preheating the oven before cooking the meal.  (LOL)

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